I talked to panda today that made me happy. Of course anytime I talk to panda I am happy. Sadly enough, though his internet cut out, so that was the end of our conversation. So now I am lying in bed listening to music. I’m not really sure what to write today. Panda has me thinking, and the boy from the supermarket has me thinking as well. I never thought at this point in my life, that I would be this confused. It’s like I don’t know what road to take. Both roads are paved with the unknown and I have no map. I only have my heart to guide me along the road. I guess I can only take a deep breath and just pick. Hope that everything will turn out for the best.
I don’t have a title yet, because I’m not sure what to call this. So the guy from Canada isn’t talking to me anymore. I minded a bit before, but now I don’t think I even care. I think I don’t care because of the fact that I’ve been talking to someone else. His name is Francis but I call him panda. Sadly enough he lives all the way in London. I really like talking to him. I haven’t really told him all about me and my secrets. But he has opened up to me, and told me his. I am starting to notice that I pick ones who have drug addictions. He is a recovering addict. I would have never known that because he doesn’t look like someone who would of have had that problem. But, that doesn’t bother me. Who he was in the past is very different than the person he is today. When he talks about his past addiction, he has this sadness in his eyes. I’m trying not to fall for him, but I think I am. Ugh. I guess I need to take it slow and see what happens. He wants to come down for my birthday in January. And I want to go to London in February. I guess that I should just take it slow and see what happens…
I decided not to use his name in the case that he reads this. His name starts with S and well I have a crush on him. Yeah, I’m quick to move on from douchebag Daniel. But I always had a little soft spot for S. The first day we started talking, I had a crush on him. He is a bit strange, but he’s funny, he makes me feel good about myself, smart. And anytime I talk to him I have this smile on my face. The one problem is that he has a girlfriend : ( I knew that when I met him, but I never intended to have a crush on him. That’s usually how these things go. Well we were talking and I know I can’t bitch that he went to go talk to his gf but it sucks. I was enjoying our conversation. Ugh. It sucks balls. But what can I do. I really want to stay his friend, so I guess I’m just going to swallow my hurt and bury it deep inside. It’s not like you can already break a heart that’s broken.
I want to say how I really feel, but I can’t find the words to say. I’m tired of putting myself out there only for you to reject me. I know you said you wanted to take it slow, and become friends first. You said lets hang out, every time I try and make a suggestion about where we should hang out or what we can do. You write it off. I’m trying my hardest here but its starting to take a toll. I like you, Daniel. Why don’t you get that. You act like your the only one who is going to get hurt. But here I am hurt by you. Here I am putting myself out there. I’ve been hurt so many times, I think my heart forgot what its like to feel love. It’s been broken so many times I thought maybe you could fix it. I thought that maybe you and I could work. I’m trying here, so why won’t you fucking try with me. Why can’t you see that all I want is for you to hold my hand. To kiss my tears away. For me to be yours. I remember when you held my hand for the first time, my heart skipped a beat. When you kissed me I thought I was going to explode. I’m scared Daniel. I’m scared that the more and more we talk the more I fall. You text me first thing in the morning to say good morning and at night to say good night. I’m not use to this feeling, and i’m trying my hardest to understand you and navigate through your mind. But I wish you would meet me halfway. Maybe I should just stop and let it come naturally between us. I know its there. I just need to stop being impatient….
So last night I was browsing through stickam. I was celebrating since, I had finished my paper. I wanted to just like do something fun. I happened to end up on this guy’s chat. I don’t know why but we connected, we ended up talking for close to five hours. He makes my heart beat really fast. I know that this seems kind of stupid, but its been a long time since anyone has made my heart beat like that.
I thought maybe that I would take a break from doing homework. At 23, I didn’t think I still be doing homework, but I am. Well I’m Brittany. Twenty-three year old sarcastic, sweet, loving at times bitch. I love shopping, hanging out with friends, watching anime,reading books and manga. I can be a flirt. My love life is well its not non-existent but its not existent either. I suppose its somewhere in limbo. I just bought this laptop over the weekend and I must admit, I am happy I purchased it. It even has a webcam which is probably my favorite feature so far on it. Well I should get started on my homework now. I shall write more later, I might even post a video blog.
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